As you probably know, dear reader, I am usually a very calm and elegantly restrained sort of personage. Exclamation marks are symbols I very rarely use, and only in the most trying of circumstances. I would never resort to...
...the use of unpleasant language, of course, even when a most extraordinarily unpleasant event occurs, though I have been known to clash or crash a few cymbals very occasionally when extremely annoyed. I would certainly never resort to being obstinate, ostentatious or inclined towards an ostinato.
Recently, I mentioned a past situation in which the Marquis de Tabloid had attempted to interview me in Currie Street. Well, my dear friend the Marchesa Brigida Spinola Doria, who happens to be one of the ladies on the Revolutionary Climatological Needlepoint Committee, came to see me soon after I sent my blog-pamphlet posting to you yesterday. She arrived in the company of Mr Raikes Currie, after whom Currie Street in Adelaide is named.
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| Brigida |
Mr Currie is a member of the Australian Political Reform Club, as you are probably very well aware if you are familiar with Australian history and global geography. Apparently, the Marquis de Tabloid wishes to reveal to the world some scurrilous gossip based merely on speculative, circumstantial evidence of no public consequence or merit. Does he consider Adelaide to be Hollywood? I am most distressed.
The Marquis appears to be attempting to link a well-known portrait of the Marchesa to an incident not far from the Grote Street entrance to Adelaide Central Market, which allegedly occurred a few days ago, on the last day of January. I have asked Mr George Grote himself to come here as soon as he is able to do so. We must plan an enlightened course of action immediately. You may wish to know that Mr Grote is another member of the Australian Political Reform Club, dear reader.
A lady matching the description of the Marchesa, but in somewhat more fashionable and seasonably suitable clothing, was seen in the company of someone bearing a remarkable resemblance to Mr John Stuart Mill. Mr Mill happens to be a close friend of Mr Grote. I happen to be a friend of Mr Mill's wife, Harriet Taylor Mill, née Hardy, who is another member of the Revolutionary Climatological Needlepoint Committee.
The unfounded rumours regarding Adelaide Central Market are intolerable. They are almost as intolerable as the risk of ill-considered and undemocratic changes to the glorious market itself. The Marquis de Tabloid apparently has obtained an anonymous eyewitness account regarding the allegedly observed gentleman's words to the allegedly observed lady. But can it possibly be true?
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| Harriet |
The resourceful Mr Currie has somehow managed to gain a copy of the Marquis' very scruffy shorthand notes, and upon transcription they bear a remarkable resemblance to one of Mr Shakespeare's poems, except for some indecipherable additions which appear to read OUOSVAVV D M.
Perhaps you can provide us with a translation, though we will probably even need the assistance of SBS and ASIO. If you are an author of cryptic and inaccurate genre fiction who sometimes writes mainstream news headlines as a sideline, you are most welcome to contact us to offer support and assistance.
All this is most unsettling. It is far worse than major natural disasters in other parts of Australia. There are many reputations at stake. Mr Currie must make some progress on this issue as a matter of urgency. What is to be done? We seek your eminent advice, dear reader. Perhaps you would like to have your say at Adelaide Adagia. We need information. Do not contact any other media organisation in the meantime, unless you wish to know if you are likely to require a boat, some Wellington boots or a few tonnes of sandbags with some urgency:
Flood report one | Flood report two | Flood report three
If you are an ordinary, high and dry sort of personage, I am sure you probably have better things to think about than the weather. Perhaps you would like to know more about all the parties concerned in the much more important situation I am attempting to examine here. Alternatively, you may prefer to know if you will require an umbrella today. We are, for example, expecting a late shower in Adelaide.
My friends and I must maintain all claims of innocence, no matter the cost, unless some relevant, possibly myth-breaking news reaches us at a convenient time today. Marchesa Spinola-Doria is adamant she has been nowhere near the market in recent days. However, she has heard that there may be a sinister conspiracy going on behind closed doors to take over, merge and destroy both the Club and the Committee, but hopefully not the market. She also believes there are several shadowy and faceless parties attempting to undermine the current leadership of the Mozarty Party. Please help, dear reader. Send us your own investigative report as quickly as possible.
Poor, dear Brigida has been chosen as a scapegoat, I am sure. But why, and by whom? It is probably no consolation at all to any of us that Mrs Mill has herself already had a great deal of experience as a target of scandal. We must act in the public interest for the common good, whilst quashing all innuendo, sensationalism, intrusions of privacy, and any dubious so-called human interest in the story.
I have asked Mr Currie to investigate whether one of his former colleagues in Threadneedle Street is behind all this. All the ladies of the Revolutionary Climatological Needlepoint Committee will flood the media with their own protests if something is not done soon to avert their concerns. Someone somewhere has woven the scurrilous account and attempted to pull the wool over the public eyes. It is quite likely, of course, that the story derives from one of the usual Tabloidian haunts, none of which, I am sure, are anywhere near Adelaide.
To ensure you are adequately informed about the situation and may make a clear and accurate judgement, there have been some previously published biographical reports of arguably marginal relevance, and I wish to provide you with those sources in order to engage you with the true circumstances as far as possible:
Marchesa Brigida Spinola-Doria
Mr Raikes Currie
Mr George Grote
Mr John Stuart Mill
Mrs Harriet Taylor Mill
I am eager to ensure there is no conspiracy in place. Mr Grote is also known for his connections with the financial world, as is Marchesa Spinola-Doria. I am beginning to think I may be unable to trust some of my closest friends. Professor Aligheri is helping as best he can through his extensive network of contacts, even those in the underworld.
Perhaps I should also seek the opinions of my international public relations team whilst I await some possibly valuable news. And I surely should not suspect Mr Peter Paul Rubens of being part of the paparazzi.
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