...definitely not to be invited to any of our enlightened pomp and circumstance. And political automatons, even when wearing garters, are to be kept in the nave, along with the naïve.
Departing from tradition is always a risk, as is keeping traditions that are past their appropriateness. Social reforms and tasteful revolutions are never a consequence of modernity, however. They are traditional forms of protest against inappropriate forms of inequality.
Being amongst the most fashionable of ethereal avant-garde beings is certainly one of the greatest advantage of my own social position. I am frequently asked to advise on various modes of living and thinking, on the limited appropriateness of modernity, and on the necessity for particularly important traditions.
Many younger persons have been enthusiastically volunteering to assist with my work in recent weeks. You may be amongst them yourself, dear reader. I do hope you enjoy the more worthy forms of weaving, spinning and sewing, as exemplified above. You may also enjoy examining various classification systems and other thoughtful recreational pursuits.
It may even be within your awareness that I am equally at ease in all social sections of Westminster Abbey, as in my daily life. Do you have a broad range of acquaintances?
The political personages remembered in the north transept and the artistic ones in Poets' Corner are often amongst my own acquaintances. My conversations frequently cover not only the cosmological but also the Cosmatesque. And I try to remain silent whenever someone sings, but not when they say silly things.
Many of my friends are also associated with the north choir aisle, rather than just the British Isles. They are remembered for their musical styles. I, of course, have my own style, even though I frequently seek the opinions of other stylish personages.
I am considering the possibility of wearing a loose-fitting gown of the very best of fabrics for the royal wedding ceremony itself, namely constituted of the finest South Australian merino broadcloth. The fabric has been produced using the most humane, organic, non-toxic methods available to prevent myiasis in the sheep concerned.
The sheep are urban dwellers, like myself, and frequently campaign for better conditions for those less fortunate, regardless of species, with the exception of blow flies, cane toads, mosquitoes, locusts, rats, mice, cockroaches and fruit flies. Such sheep have a warm shower every evening in order to maintain their health and beauty, and usually attend an hour-long styling session every Wednesday morning.
Edward the Confessor was not known for his fashion sense, but he has always been a super role model for enlightened constitutional monarchs, pleasant heads of state and thoughtful shepherds of quality flocks. I do not believe, however, that Edward's intervention in public health systems should be used as an excuse to cut hospital budgets in unpleasant ways, in any part of the Commonwealth of Nations, or to campaign against necessary cuts that are likely to cause less harm in the long term.
Now, Giovanna Tornabuoni has informed me that silk damask can be exceedingly heavy as a material for clothing, as well as for bed coverings. Holes in the elbows of an outfit can also occur at inappropriate moments, and silkworms are animals with little prospect of even-handed human advocacy, except by the followers of Mr Mohandas Gandhi.
Giovanna has also mentioned the suitability of a pocket for one's silk or linen handkerchief. A pocket would be a great advantage so that one would not be required to carry one's handkerchief around everywhere in one's hands. A cloth of such proportions is very useful, of course, though it is quite a nuisance once damp.
Crying is a frequent occurrence at weddings, amongst the guests and those with an even closer involvement in the ceremony. This is even the case when the bride and groom are quite enthusiastic about the occasion. I have recently discussed this matter with Mr William Hogarth and some of my other English friends. Mr Hogarth will also be appearing in my pew on Friday. He suggests I carry a small handbag containing a colourful selection of cotton kerchiefs, and he will probably do likewise.
I am, as you are aware, dear reader, most keen to be seen as a leading fashionable personage when I attend weddings and other social gatherings. My desire is to be seen as an elegant leader of enlightened trends, rather than as an ignorantly admiring follower of fads, fops, farthingales or various forms of fighting. My leadership abilities are especially well known at the international level and many intelligent personages usually follow my example.
A good lady, such as I am often considered to be, is an excellent guide for any resourceful, thoughtful being, of any gender. It is particularly important for a good lady to take a private nightly bath, rather than to entertain a dalliance with a knight, however courtly or courteous, and especially not with a young, foolish private.
It is also important for a good lady, however grand, never to display her feelings in public in an unseemly manner, especially when cross. Nor is a good lady usually induced to express any hoopla whilst wearing a houppelande, whatever her opinions on flocks and frocks.
Simonetta Vespucci, another of my acquaintances, believes it important to attend spring weddings whilst carrying a large woollen shawl. Abbeys can often have draughty inconveniences, especially whilst perched on not much more than a misericord in little more than a linen undergarment. Abbeys are also somewhat lacking in public conveniences.
I shall not be wearing the products of the vegetable lamb of Tartary, nor the fur or hide of any other beast. Nor do I wish to wear petrochemical polymers, though some of the alternatives, including bamboo, rayon and optical fibres, have been considered as possibilities. However, the embodied energies and unpleasantly wasteful products of their manufacture may preclude the most charming aspects of their utility.
So, my dressmaking team will be hard at work for the rest of this week, keeping the final garment a secret until the day itself. I have already chosen a cloak of invisibility, made to a Germanic design, to wear as I pass by the material crowds. Only my horses and other ethereal friends will be aware of my presence, as will you, dear reader.
I have been given permission by Thomas Becket to report on the proceedings from the Pyx Chamber prior to the ceremony, Poets' Corner during the ceremony, and from St Catherine's chapel garden afterwards. We reached agreement on the matter yesterday, after the ANZAC Day ceremony.
Now I must turn my attention to food. It is something for which I have even more expertise than I do regarding clothing. Six hundred personages will be joining me for an intimate afternoon tea reception on Friday, in a very pleasant London venue.
My colleagues in Adelaide may choose to do likewise in a synchronous timing. They may celebrate in the Town Hall, Ayers House, or perhaps in an unpretentious public tavern, if one of the latter can be found without the unpleasant inclusions of gambling facilities and hideously loud popular music. The time in Adelaide will be very early on Saturday morning by the time my reception in underway, so my colleagues may just prefer to sleep.
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